Nadeya's Space

Rules for Being Human

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 00:35:37 GMT

Found it posted on Yahoo Answers! which is very addicting by the way =) Thought it was worth sharing, and memorializing.

The new job is going great by the way, I'm soooo happy =) =) =)

RULES FOR BEING HUMAN !
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".
4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better than "here." When your "there" has become a "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here".
7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.

seriously funny

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 14:37:38 GMT

But wrong. Those wacky japanese, we'd never get away with something like this here.

Warning..some butt crackage in the video, but nothing obscene.

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=18151

so...

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 22:39:10 GMT

I GOT THE PROMOTION!!!!!!!!!!!!

*happy dance*

Just when you are about to give up...

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 23:20:44 GMT

Everything turns around!!!

I had just about given up hope of ever getting that manager promotion I've been talking about for over 9 months now. I didnt even write about half of the stuff I was going thru at work, but I really thought I would never get the promotion, so I decided to do the flea market thing (which went pretty well actually).

Everything happened so fast the last couple of days. Tuesday, my GM told me to send her my resume again, so I emailed it to her on Tuesday night. She actually came into work yesterday morning just to get my resume and forward it on to Corporate Human Resources(!) Around 11AM a representative from Corporate HR called me and I did a telephone interview with him. He asked me the usual questions, and he also asked me if I would be willing to go to Janesville, WI, about a 45 minute commute for me. I said yes, sure. He asked me what kind of salary I was looking for, and unfortunately I lowballed myself =/ But this guy is really, really nice and he told me it would be "considerably" more than that, soo.. since thats the figure I've had in my head all along, I'll be happy with whatever they offer.

Then he called me back yesterday afternoon and asked for my email address and told me he was sending me a test to take online that would take about 2 hours and to get it done as soon as possible. I told him I would get it done but I hadnt received his email when I got home, so I called him, and he actually left his house and drove back to the office to send me the test!!! Wow.. what does that tell ya? He also gave me some pointers to "embellish" my resume a little bit so I did the test and sent him the updated resume last nite.

This morning he emailed me and told me to call him and when I talked to him today he said the resume looked very good and that I did VERY good on the test, the only concern was on the personality portion of the test it came out that I might have trouble handling pressure, getting frustrated, etc. He asked me if that was accurate and I told him, to an extent yes, but thats something I've been working on over the past year and I feel like I've greatly improved. He said its not a deal breaker anyway but he also gave me some helpful advice there too. So....I have another interview on Monday with the Director of Operations and he said I would have an answer by the end of the interview possibly, or at the latest, Tuesday morning, that himself and the Director of Operations would be making the decision, that they need to fill this position ASAP and he was about 90% certain I would get the job unless the DO has grave concerns after my interview.

*HAPPY DANCE*

The only downer is that its a relatively long commute, and I just bought a house here, and with my daughter having complications with her pregnancy, its a concern. But.. hopefully everything will all work out OK.

Keep your fingers crossed for me! I could use some management interview tips.. I've heard this guy is a real griller! I guess thats one way to see how I handle pressure LOL.

entrepeneur

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 18:54:20 GMT

Wow I havent posted in a looong time huh? No excuses here, just laziness mostly. I tend to go thru these stages where I'm social, then I'm anti-social.

Ok, I'm still working at Applebee's, and I'm STILL waiting on that promotion that was promised to me 9 months ago. You ever feel like a rabbit chasing a carrot on a stick? I do. Boss keeps telling me "be patient" as I bust my ass working 10-16 hour days, doing EVERYTHING they ask me to do, including driving 2-1/2 hours each way on my own time to attend these "appleseed" development classes to "prove my dedication and commitment" while he runs ads in the paper and interviews and hires people off the street for manager jobs right in front of me. I'm starting to lose my patience heh =P

Anyhow, I had told him back in Feb. or March that I had a deadline, that if the promotion didnt happen by May, I was going to have to start exploring other options. So, it's June now, and theres another development coming into play here also.

My daughter is pregnant. I dont remember if I've mentioned that here before or not, but she is due on Sept. 11. It is a baby boy, who will be named Brandon Kenneth. She is at 26-1/2 weeks but she has developed placenta previa, so she needs to be watched closely from now on. Ya'll keep your fingers crossed that nothing happens and baby stays inside mama until hes big enough to be born healthy.

So, that presents another problem anyway. Even IF I were to get that promotion today, it would be hard as heck, if not impossible, to go thru 8-10 weeks of MIT training while having to constantly take time off to take her to the doctor and all her other appointments. So, I've been racking my brain, trying to figure out what to do, and how to take the last of my money and turn it into more money before it's gone.

So, I've started another business. I'm going into retail, sorta. I'm starting small. I rented a booth at the local flea market on the weekends to test the waters. My basement looks like a store lol. (Oh did I mention I bought a house?!) I've got my business license, resale tax id, most of my inventory and supplies and all that good stuff. We are just about ready to roll. I HOPE HOPE HOPE this works out!!! We are so excited because Brittany wants a job so bad, but at 15 and pregnant, with no transportation, her prospects are slim, especially with her on restriction. She is really putting a lot of effort into this, and I told her she would get 25% of the profits. This is something she could continue to do after the baby is born, she could kinda take over minding the store, so to speak, so depending on what the situation is.. either I could still maybe pursue the MIT position, or if the store does well, we could expand into the mall and just do that full time. What a rush the last week has been. I forgot how amazingly fulfilling it is to work for yourself! Oh, we will be selling personalized iPod cases, cell phone cases, etc and accessories and jewelry plus a few odds and ends. Pretty much anything to embellish or accessorize you or your stuff is the theme. I try to keep thinking positive but I'm such a worry wart. On the one hand I worry that we won't get any business and I will go broke, and on the other hand I worry that we don't have enough stuff to sell and we will sell out the first day lol.

But I really think that God is directing me in this. I have had those niggling thoughts in the back of my mind for a couple months now - stuff like "you gotta spend money to make money" and "nothing ventured, nothing gained", etc. So, one night God spoke to me and said "Flea market" and I was like "huh? you want me to do what?" From there it really took off. I took out a pen and paper and started brainstorming and it all came together in 2 days. I'm just amazed at what we've already accomplished in one weeks time. I have faith that as long as I continue to listen to his directions, we will do just fine. That old self doubt tries to rear its ugly head from time to time but I'm getting a lot better at shooting it down.

I really appreciate all your thoughts and prayers for myself and my kids and my soon-to-be-born grandson.

frustrated

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 14:25:14 GMT

So the managing gig. Not sure whats going on there. I was feeling VERY frustrated earlier this week, because for the past 2 weeks I have not had any managing shifts, only serving shifts. See, we got a new manager last week, and she is doing the scheduling now. I asked her what was going on and she told me she was under the impression that now that she was there we werent going to be using "key hourlies" (what I am, basically asst. mgr) anymore. On top of that, Tuesday, they took away my keys and my manager card for "security reasons". So, ya I was freaking out.

Theres a lot of shit going on at my store, and its coming from the top. The GM is lazy, and irresponsible, and he has a very bad habit of "borrowing" money from petty cash for personal reasons. (As if he doesnt make enough already). As of Monday, petty cash was almost $600 short. (Funny too how the other store the new manager was at always had money problems, and the first day she started here she opened $50 short and has continued to be plagued with cash shortages)

When the GM does bother to show up he is just downright mean to everyone. Yesterday, his son and 4 of his friends came in. They have come in before, daddy comps the whole bill, and they leave a fat tip. Well, I waited on them, they ran up a $80 bill, at a time when it was only myself and one other server on and I had about 5 other tables. I kept them happy with refills of lemonade every 2 minutes, etc. I asked the GM about the bill, and he said they were going to pay it. All of it. Ut oh. So I bring out the bill and apologize to the son. He was very surprised, and mad because his dad had ignored them the whole time they were there, and they werent prepared to have to pay. I got a sinking feeling as I see them all scrambling for money and when I check the table after they leave, I am rewarded with a fat $6 tip. So, I decide to inform the GM, hoping he would do the right thing, and all I got from him was attitude that it "wasnt his problem". What really infuriates me the most about this man is that he has no qualms taking money from peoples pockets that are making less than $4 an hour, and I'm not just talking about this incident. He has repeatedly shorted people money from their tipshare. (We dont tip the bartender, host, etc directly, we pay our tipshare to the office and the office distributes it). On top of that, I did NOT get my 4-1/2 hours of OT I was owed on my last check, and he has started messing with peoples hours, adjusting their clock in and clock outs. Yesterday I saw him with my own eyes punch people out that were still working. He is so doomed.

So I wrote to my Area Director. The one who hired me, and who promoted me, and I told him what was going on. He's not happy. I dont know if I did the right thing or not, I didnt spill ALL the beans, just the things that concern me, like how I am making $200 a week serving, and I quit my job at Outback and cancelled my moving plans to commit to him and this is the thanks I get? (not in those words of course lol). So he got right on the ball and got me 3 managing shifts next week, but irony of ironies, one of them was on Monday, and I cant work Monday because 1) that will be 7 days in a row which is illegal, and 2) I HAVE to take my daughter to drug and alcohol classes on Monday evenings. It's court ordered. So, I wound up losing one *sigh*. He told me to hang in there, bear with him, yes, its probably going to get worse before it gets better but he PROMISES it will get better. We have now lost another manager in Beloit, so he is taking one of ours (the do-nothing one YAY!) and I should be back to full time managing for a while. I hope, hope, hope, that I can go into MIT soon, because I cant handle this stress of having to try to make it just on serving there. This is an example of the kind of fat money I've made serving the past 2 weeks. Last Wed AM $5, Wed PM $20, Fri AM $8, Tues PM $12, Thursday AM $6. Now, I did have a few decent shifts in there where I made at least $50, but those are few and far between. So... I dunno what to do. I want to hang in there, and I do trust my AD, I felt better after talking to him, but then I go into work and my morale goes right back into the toilet again. My gut instinct is telling me "get another job" but my brain is saying "just wait, trust, hope, think of the possibly 40gs youll make if you can stick it out".

So many good people are furious at the things that are happening there. We are going to be screwed if we lose very many more good servers. There has been talk of staging a walk out. I dont know if they would really do it or not, but it would be interesting.

So ya, thats whats going on in a not so small nutshell. The old stress in my tummy is back after a brief but welcome reprieve. Today I am managing for the first time in 2 weeks, and I hope against hope that the GM is NOT there, because I really don't know if I can deal with him today or not. It's Saturday, we're short servers, and its going to be a disaster. *sigh*

YEEE HAW!

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 02:58:45 GMT

Well, I was going to post a week or so ago but I never got around to it. I was going to post that I was on cloud nine, that my management job was kicking ass and the few initial problems I had with my co-workers were short-lived. They quickly came to appreciate that I wasnt trying to pretend to know it all, that I wasnt being a "ball buster", and that *gasp* I actually pitched in and helped them. I got numerous compliments and I was feeling a little smug that people started coming to me BEFORE going to a "real" manager with their problems.

Then all hell broke loose. This week (and half of last week) has been a cluster fuck. First of all, the manager who does the schedule is a moron. The only reason he hasnt been fired yet is because we are seriously short on managers. So, he schedules people for shifts that they have no availability, he schedules people that are no longer employed, etc, and on top of that we had to fire a couple people and one or two more quit. So, we've been SEVERELY short staffed and scrambling to find people to cover shifts. This on top of constantly being out of stuff, and a bunch of work drama from two people who decided to mess around and it got ugly, and then the GM's brother took ill so hes been MIA, so we've all been putting in the OT and busting ass.

I was kinda feeling a little useless, and out of place, but (I thought) I stumbled along and did what I could do at least. And today, my favorite manager gave me a huge compliment. He just recently got switched to days so I've been working with him a lot. He told me that he has really enjoyed working with me this week, despite the madness, and that when things got tough, I "really shined" and he was really impressed at the way I jumped in and helped out and how he was totally confident leaving me to manage the front of the house, freeing him up to worry about the back. *BEAM* It feels SOOOO good to know that I am doing a good job, and its being noticed. The area director told me the expected timeline for me to go into MIT was 2-3 months of doing this, and its been brought up a lot lately, so i'm hoping its sooner rather than later.

AND, tonite was chaos. Short staffed, and its homecoming for like 3 schools. We were slammed. I called another store and asked them to send over a couple of servers to help out. They got there, I got them all set up, I took care of everything all night while the moron manager (the one who does the schedule) sat in the back smoking pot for all I know, he was MIA most of the night. One of the loaner servers made a comment to the effect of "is that other manager a drunk or something?" haha I dont know I said why? She said "because he just stares off blankly into space and he doesnt DO ANYTHING!" ROFLMAO! This is the manager who gave a speech the other night that if we dont get a good score on our AOA (its some acronym for basically a corporate inspection) he could lose his job, and he didnt want to lose his job, and he didnt think we want him to lose his job either, cuz hes such a good manager right? cuz he always helps out and looks after us right? *crickets* It was so fucking priceless!

Ok, I better stop before my ego gets too big =)

I cant wait to start the Manager in Training program. I have like, no desire to serve anymore, but we get a new manager next week so its back to the trenches for a while and I'll only be filling in instead of doing it full time *sigh* Believe it or not tho, I'm kinda looking forward to "taking it easy" by serving lol.

Happy F'ing Birthday to me

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 14:34:55 GMT

hehe, I really dont know why I still care about such things, I tell myself I dont, but obviously I do, otherwise I wouldnt be writing this.

So it was my birthday yesterday. The only person that remembered was Heather (smooches and hugs sweetie, I miss you dearly!) Not even my kids remembered, which is remarkable when you consider that Brittanys birthday is one week before mine.

Ah well.

I had my first dine and dash yesterday. 2 girls come in, ask to sit by the door. They even had the nerve to ask for applications, I guess to "throw off the scent" or something. They took off without paying and they even had the nerve to take my cash tip from the table next to them! I hope karma bites them in the ass hard someday!

Managing is going ok, otherwise. I'd rather manage than serve. I hope my area director is true to his word and this only lasts for 2-3 months before I can go into "real" manager training. I'm anxious to get started.

otherwise, things are finally good.

wow

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 03:28:56 GMT

so I went to Florida over the weekend. It was too short of a trip for sure, but at least I got to see my friends. *smooches* to you both, thank you so much for your hospitality!

Unfortunately, I wasnt too impressed with the Lakeland area =/ There were only 2 places I saw that I would want to live, soo.. I wasnt sure what to do, if I should settle someplace else, or pick either Tampa or Orlando or what.

Now it looks like I wont have to make that decision.

Yesterday I went into Applebee's, and the district manager was there. This guy used to be the GM of my store, he is the one who initially interviewed and hired me. Shortly after I started, he got promoted. Thats when the parade of managers started and things started going downhill. Anyways, he was there interviewing one of my former managers at Damons, which I got quite a kick out of actually.

After the interview, I asked Brian if he was hiring managers again, and he said yes. Then he said... "Do you want to be a manager?" Ummm.(?!) I said I didnt know, I wasnt sure, I had never really thought about it before, and I asked him what kind of qualifications were required. He just asked if I was interested or not and I said maybe, so he said we would talk after lunch, which we did. Again I asked him about qualifications, because I don't have a college degree, and no restaurant management experience. He said "the only qualifications I'm concerned about are a good attitude, a good work ethic, and good customer service skills, and you've got those." WOW!!

Omar chided me for not being enthusiastic enough during this conversation, and I hope Brian doesnt hold it against me. It was just, rather surprising, I was a bit taken aback. I truly had never really considered restaurant mgmt before, and I have a few reservations, #1 being this IS Applebee's, and I have a few issues with Applebee's. Not necessarily corporate, but the way some things are done at my particular store since Brian left. And #2, 2 of the 4 mgrs at my store hate their jobs and bitch and moan about it all the time, all the work and stress, talkin about lookin for another job, etc. #3 I had no idea what a job like that paid, but wasnt sure it was enough for the hours/stress.

Anyways, I told Brian that right now I am at a cross roads in my life. I'm going to be 38 years old and trying to decide what I want to do when I grow up (or when my kids grow up is more accurate heh). I told him a little about my concerns, and he said there was no hurry, he was always looking for managers and that they are opening a new store in belvidere next year, which is another little suburb of Rockford only to the east. He said they could ease me into it, first thing to do would become certified as an "expert" which basically means you're qualified to train people and I think you get an extra 50 cents an hour woot hehe. Then he could make me a "key hourly" which is basically like an asst. mgr. They fill in as front of house manager and have all the same responsibilities for a particular shift. Then I could do a few shifts to see how I like it, and if I want to go for the MIT (Manager in Training) program which is an 8 week, very intensive course.

So many questions, but I didnt really have time to think about it until I got home, and I discussed it with Faunis. I also did a little research on the web and the salary range for restaurant managers isnt too shabby, plus it opens up a world of possibilities. I got to talk to Kurt today too. He is a server at Applebee's and is a key hourly. I asked him how come he hadnt done the MIT thing and he said it was only because he wanted to wait until he got his license back. He got a DUI a while ago and he should get it back within a few months. So I was relieved to find out it wasnt because he didnt like it. I also asked him if he had any idea what a manager made, and he told me they started at $40k, but he was going to ask for $42, because thats what he was told to ask for, because hes been there so long and he's really, really good about specs. He said key hourlies make $10/hr, but he makes more so he wasnt sure, but he thought they raised it.

Sooo... all in all, its looking like a good plan. I would have to suck it up and stay here a while longer, tho if/when I do the MIT thing, I would be going to a different store, not sure where, but not too far. Our franchise has 15 stores in Illinois, 5 in Wisconsin, and 1 in Iowa. But, if I save my pennies, with a few years experience under my belt, (my kids will all be grown in 5 years), who knows? I could go just about anywhere really. And, it would make the parents happy *sigh*. I just can't let them think they've "won" heh. And it would make Brittany happy, since she wouldnt have to leave Mark, but I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about her schooling this year.

I dunno, I hope it works out. Maybe this is just the lucky break I've been looking for. I hope Brian wasnt just blowing smoke up my ass heh. I need to talk to him again and let him know my decision.

an alternate plan

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 20:46:58 GMT

I'm very excited today! Isn't it just funny how things work?

Ok, so yesterday I was watching Starting Over (dont laugh) and Rhonda took Josie to Dekalb, Illinois. It's about 50 miles south of here, and it is a college town. NIU is there, and there is also Kishwaukee Community College.

Anyhow, the first place they took Josie was to an apartment complex that caters to single moms. It has subsidized rent, but its not "the projects" or what I think of when I think of "projects" or the projects that are around here. She said its a very clean place, and very active socially. They have lots of programs for single parents, daycare, clubs for kids, etc. They also have very strict rules, so thats all good.

So, today I started a search to find this housing complex, and I did find them, and I called them. The lady I spoke to was VERY nice! She told me that I would qualify for a 2 BR unit, and that based on my current income my rent would be about $400/mo. She did tell me there is a waiting list, but they give you points based on different criteria to determine priority and where you are on the list. She told me that right now the waiting list is approximately 5 months, but based on what I told her, she thinks I would be bumped up to the top of the priority list!

Unfortunately, there is no Outback there, but there is an Applebee's and I called them and they told me absolutely they would hire me with a referral from my GM here so at least I would have one job and my rent would be even lower based on one job, unless and until I do get the SSI. And if I did get SSI, she told me the most I would ever pay in rent is $650/mo and they wouldnt kick me out for making too much money.

I also called Kishwaukee Community College and they offer a FCFS radiology course! I would still have to take some pre-reqs before I could start it tho, but I'm excited! The only problem I can see is, if I DIDNT get SSI, and moved there, I dont know how I could come up with the money to pay for school, especially on one waitress job at Applebee's. I dont know if I could ever get financial aid again since I defaulted before. I did, however, take a look at the classifieds in the Dekalb paper online, and there are some promising sounding jobs available there that fit with my experience. I dont know how a "real" 9-5 job would mesh with school with having to do clinicals tho, but I can worry about that later.

At the moment, I'm just SOOO very happy to have an alternate plan, where I'm not going to be stuck here doing nothing if I dont get the SSI. Or even if I do get it, maybe this is another possibility to keep the peace until the kids are older then I could move wherever >I< want to move.

idiots

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 14:48:34 GMT

last table of the night yesterday, 3 top, 2 girls, one of them very pregnant, and a guy. looked like they all just came from the jerry springer show.

i ask them if theyve ever been to outback before and they said no, so i jump into the menu presentation and telling them about our food. one girl asks me if we have a chicken quesadilla. I said no, sorry and recommended some other appetizers, they didnt like the sounds of any of them.

then she asked me if we had any kind of like fajita rollups, or any kind of sandwich wraps. Again I said no, sorry this is a steakhouse we pretty much just have steak and chicken and a couple sandwiches. I asked her how about soup and salad, she asked me if we have a salad with "those little strips of chicken on it". i tell her we do have a chicken caesar salad with 2 different sizes of chicken breast. She said "its not cut up?" I said "no, its a whole chicken breast". She said "youve got to be kidding me, for $10 i have to cut up my own chicken?!" "umm.. yes, sorry" and she gave me this look like she was fed up. I wanted to give them directions to Chilis across the street.

So the girls both wound up ordering burgers, and the guy ordered the 8 oz prime rib, medium well. Whenever I get an inkling someone is being a cheap ass and ordering prime rib because its one of the cheapest things on the menu and has no idea what they are ordering, i explain in detail what the prime rib is, and how it is prepared, and that we do have an option to have it seasoned and cooked on the grill like a steak. he didnt want that, so i put his order in.

Before they even got their entrees, they were bitching about their salads. "whats up with these croutons?" they asked. "arent they delicious?" i said "they are home-made". "uhh.. they are rank, they taste like stale bread". "sorry about that". Then they said "why is there pepper in my salad?" I was like "huh? oh, you had ranch right, its a spicey ranch". "oh" they said with a snarled nose.

sure enough, food comes out, and guy goes ballistic. "what are you trying to serve me, raw meat?! i want this cooked more!" I asked him if he had ever had prime rib before and started my speech again and he cut me off saying "just take it back and cook it till its done" so i just removed his plate without a word and took it into the kitchen and put it under the heat lamp till its a shriveled up piece of flesh. The customer is always right, right? =P

So, I go back to check on them, one girl has taken the bacon off her burger, and I ask if it was OK and she said "baby doesnt like the bacon" pointing to her stomach. I wonder "Ok, then why did you #@%% order it?" Then she asked me "do you have any other barbeque sauce?" I said "no, sorry we just have the one kind of bbq sauce, its home-made, we do have some tabasco sauce or buffalo wing sauce, would you like some of that?" "No thanks, I'll just use ketchup". OK fine.

Next table check girl asks me "do you guys refill these ketchup bottles with some off brand of ketchup?" "Umm, no, its all Heinz ketchup, why?" She replies "it tastes funny". Ok, so I bring her another bottle of ketchup /boggle.

Now ya know, its gotta be pretty bad when you complain about the fucking KETCHUP. I am usually pleased with first time visitors because they are usually blown away by the food. There was just no pleasing these people. I dont know why the hell they ever came to outback or why they stayed when they didnt like the menu!

Amazingly enough, they left a 20% tip. Will wonders never cease.

Purpose and passion

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 20:55:41 GMT

This is going to be almost a complete copy of the chapter I am working on today, because I'm not getting it. I'm really struggling with this and its frustrating to me. I feel like I need to get it.

Quoting from the book now:

I think that we believe a purpose will give our lives meaning, will make us feel special and more important, will give us permission to express our hidden passion. We all have passion, but most people are afraid of it. Sure, they want to feel more alive, but at what expense? Passion and purpose are so misunderstood....

What exactly is purpose and passion? When we have a sense of purpose, we become focused and determined. We are single minded. Purpose may stem from a childhood hobby or a social injustice....Purpose may come from a personal experience...

Purpose can be found in the most unexpected places. Your purpose could be feeding the hungry or creating new, environmentally safe products or something as simple as being a loving person. The myth of purpose is that it has to be grand. Many of the most memorable people started out with no fanfare, no big purpose. Take Abraham Lincoln. He didnt set out to change the world. He only wanted to do the right thing in a time when the right thing wasnt easy to discern. Mother Theresa took care of the starving people on the streets of Calcutta. Neither of their missions were glamorous, but they were driven by purpose just the same.

Many people tell me they want to find their purpose. I always say the same thing: It's right in front of you. Purpose already exists. You must be willing to see it. For instance, do you have something you love todo but don't think you can make money doing it? Is there something that you do that comes so easily to you, that you don't think it could possibly be your purpose? Do you enjoy creating or expressing yourswelf in a particular area but don't feel it is a big enough purpose?

Passion is the spark, the motivation, the drive, behind a purpose. Passion takes away the sense of obligation a purpose can imply and instills a sense of play or fun. Actress Bette Midler is passionate. No matter what she does she gives a hundred percent of herself, whether it is performing on Broadway or planting a garden in the inner city or producing a movie. She is fully present, awake, and alive. That is passion.

Passion and purpose are interconnected as well as being integral components of happiness. Having a purpose allows us to express our passion, and if we are passionate, purpose comes alive through our interactions with others. Without them we are disconnected, lost, and our lives can feel meaningless.

(Thats me)

When people tell me they want to achieve a goal,they are either looking for the passion to achieve it or the purpose to believe in it. Picture a car. You need fuel to go anywhere (passion) and you need a key to start the motor (purpose). Now you are in the drivers seat and you can either use these tools constructively or destructively. It is up to you.

Purpose directs passion and passion ignites purpose. Without a clear purpose our passion is easily misdirected. Addictions, many times, are passions gone awry. Without passion we might be able to see where we want to go but we don't have the motivation to get there. Purpose is waylaid.

Look at your life. Do you have passion? Do you have enough fuel to change your life? And do you have a purpose? Do you have the key that will allow your passion to be ignited? That is the dance of passion and purpose. They are two heads of the same coin. One cannot live fully and completely without the other.

Lets begin our queset for a purpose that will uncover who we are meant to be and give us the permission to live the life of our dreams. Lets look at the areas where you may or may not have passion and purpose.

Love and career are the two areas most people want to change, because, I suspect, they are the two areas that lack passion. And the two areas in which, if we felt passion we would allow ourselves to be overtaken by it. We would say we couldnt stop ourselves or it must be our "Destiny". We are hesitant to believe we are in charge of our passion, but we are....

We say we want passion and purpose but we avoid it like the plague. I think we are afriad. Afraid of passion. Afraid of purpose. Afraid of the power we feel when we experience a passion that overwhelms us and a purpose that pushes us to take risks. It seems too scarey, too big, and too much. It puts our safe, controlled lives on notice. You can't be safe and passionate at the same time. Passion takes courage, and purpose asks us to be true to ourselves at all costs. But we hesitate, because fear thrives on safety.

Having passion in our lives does not mean letting it all go and just having fun. Passion is a powerful feeling that is a true confidence builder. It must be nurtured. Passion is power and one must be responsible for it. But most people do not equate passion and responsibility. The misunderstanding causes the passionate person to be labeled wild or irresponsible, while the purpose-driven can be seen as insensitive, selfish, or controlling.

The two areas of our lives call for a commitment to be passionate in pursuit of a purpose-driven career and finding the love of all loves, a soul mate. When people ask me to help them find their purpose, they are asking me to help them recapture their passion.

/endquote

Ok, I get what shes saying, it makes sense in the brain part, but I'm not "getting it". That is, I feel like i totally lack passion and purpose in my life and I dont know how to find it.

Here is the exercise, and im just drawing a complete blank on how to answer these questions.

How does passion show up in your life right now?

What would your friends say about you if you were more passionate? Coworkers? Family?

What is scarey about passion?

Name three things that you fear would happen if you were more passionate.
1.
2.
3.

Name three things that could occur that would change your life if you were more passionate.
1.
2.
3.

Giving yourself kudos for the passion you give yourself permission to display is essential if you desire to express and experience more passion. One way to identify the fears that squelch your passion is to ask yourself what you think others would say if you were the passionate person you want to be. Even though we would like to think of ourselves as self-reliant, we rarely ignore our negative self-talk generated by our fears of what our friends would think. That can stop us from doing almost anything in our life.

To support you in moving through the fear, focus on the freedom you would gain if you did express your passion. Naming the things that might change gives you a heads-up in preparing for potential fear-inducing roadblocks.

It's time to expand your definition of passion. To rekindle and re-define passion, please list 25 things you love. It could be that you get great pleasure from pruning rosebushes or drinking an incredible cup of coffee. Listing your loves will help you reconnect to the things that support your feeling passion in your life. Please write down everything you love, no matter how sily or embarassed you might be.

(Ok, I did this, this wasnt that hard, but I'm still missing the point)

Loving people, places, things, events, situations, animals, etc, helps you connect to the world and to your passion about life. When we look for the love in every moment, we are expanding our world instead of making it smaller. We are connecting. We are one with life. We are passionate.

(I get this part, I have noticed with my new attitude at work, talking more to the people I serve, and work with, really "connecting" with them, it makes me feel really good, but i dont get the purpose, is my purpose to serve people?)

When you heed the calling of your heart, you are following your purpose. Having purpose in your life gives you the courage to do the things you are meant to do. When you are purpose driven you have learned to listen to your intuition and never let NO get in your way. Some people think it is selfish to be motivated and inspired in all that they do. True purpose is never selfish. It is impossible for it to be so. Purpose that is coming forth from your true self is always expressed for the good of mankind. It may look like you are just bagging groceries, but you know your purpose is to send love to every customer. Purpose transcends job titles.

...the quest for your purpose is an innate desire to fulfill your destiny, fulfill your potential....now it is time to keep track of the activities you do in your everyday life that may give you a clue as to how your purpose will unfold...

Invest in the life you have to get the life you want. Consider it your purpose. When you invest in the life you have, you learn to be fully satisfied where you are right now. Being open to the lessons learned and the tools provided, you will begin to see purpose in every moment rather than a specific career. It seems simple, but it is very difficult to do because you must let go of everything you know. You must let go of perceptions of who you thihnk you are to find out the truth.

When we practice being true to ourselves, we are given opportunities we could never have imagined. Focus on expressing your true nature through your passionate purpose and endless gifts will be given to you...When you take the time to embrace the lessons you have learned, you are opening yourself up to the purpose hidden within. Everyday lessons can point you to your purpose. Our purpose defines us, and our ability to express our passion equates with our ability to let go and trust. Our greatest human need is to feel connected, to belong. Our ability to claim our purpose and express our passion ensures we won't ever feel alone again.

You are already living your purpose. It is right in front of you. The job you have right now is part of your purpose. The people you encounter are helping you fulfill you purpose. The home you live in supports your purpose. Purpose isnt magical or miraculous. Purpose unfolds as yout ake the day you are given and practice being more loving, more compassionate, more grateful. Allow passion to inspire you and purpose to guide you, and your life will change for the better.

What is your purpose? (NFC)

Name 3 lessons you can learn from your present living situation.
(NFC)

Name 3 lessons you can learn from your present job.
1. Humility
2. Connecting with people
3. NFC

Understanding the lessons within your experiences wil help you find the purpose behind all you do. Pay attention to how much passion you allow into your life today. Today is the day for you to begin to see passion and purpose as your birthright. Claim them. Express them. Appreciate the moments they present.

Today, focus on how you feel when you are experiencing passion either in yourelf or another. Fulfill your purpose today by learning the lessons in front of you and expressing your true nature. As you go through your day, think about how passion and purpose can be integrated into your life. Aways remember:

Your purpose is already within you
Passion gives you the desire to succeed
Passion without purpose can be perceived as being unfocused and confused
Purpose without passion can make life feel like a chore

/endquote

I'm really strugging with this because one of my goals was to find purpose in my life. I've always felt like I'm just adrift, floating wherever, dealing with whatever I have to deal with at this point in time, no real purpose, defintely no passion. What is my purpose??? What is my passion??? I dont know! I've given up so long ago I dont remember what it feels like to have passion. I suppose, I can see some passion in my new attitude at work, and passion about connecting with my daughter, that does give me some purpose I suppose. But what really is my "essential nature"? How do I find out? This is all very confusing to me.

I'd appreciate any and all feedback.

I'm proud of myself

Sat, 02 Jul 2005 18:54:56 GMT

There, I said it. And I actually mean it! Even tho there is still some.... fear mixed in with that statement.

Dont laugh, but I bought a book. The book is called "Change your life in 30 days" also by Rhonda Britten. It's very concise, and to the point, and has daily assignments.

I had a very challenging assigment yesterday. It was a confidence building excercise about giving credit where credit is due. I was asked to name one thing I acknowledge myself for. It was uncomfortable how intimidating that was! But the first thing that came to my mind was to acknowledge myself for committing to change.

Then I was told to list 24 more things. Egads! I didnt think I could ever think of 25 things I could be proud of myself for, but I struggled through it and completed the list. Then, I was told to list 25 more. Oh no! How can such a failure of a person come up with 50 things to give themselves credit for?? I was told to get specific, even little things matter, so some of the things I listed seem pretty insignificant but hey, I DID IT!

I cant tell you how proud I was of myself to finish that list! Maybe, just MAYBE I really AM doing better than I thought?

This is an ongoing assignment, I have to write down at least 5 things that I acknowledge myself for doing each day. I am really excited about this assignment, because its a tangible feeling how my confidence is growing with each new step and each new day. I'm still struggling with the fear, but I'm able to overcome it, and THAT gives me confidence!

To that end, I am pleased to announce that tickets have been purchased and time off approved for a "fact finding mission" to Florida in three weeks! I'm so excited about overcoming my fear and making this commitment. It's one step closer to realizing my dreams! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can... lol.

I would also like to share something else I learned this week, again from the Starting Over TV show. There is a girl on the show named Josie, that I relate to in a lot of ways. One of those ways is that she feels burdened by the mistakes of the past, unable to forgive herself and move on. Rhonda did an exercise with Josie the other day where she took a large picture of Josie, and had her write down all of her mistakes on post-it notes. Then she put the post-it notes on the picture of Josie, until she was totally obscured by all of her mistakes. Then she had the other ladies join in the exercise, so that they could all see all of Josie's mistakes, which I imagine to have been quit humiliating.

Then she did something quite extraordinary. She placed buckets of paint in front of the ladies, and picked off one of the post-it notes. She asked if anyone there had ever made this mistake, and if they had, to take some of the paint and smear it on themselves. Somewhat hesistantly, one by one the ladies began scooping up the paint and putting it on. Soon all the post-its were gone and ALL the ladies were COVERED in paint! It was really quite humbling to realize that we've all made a lot of the same mistakes, and that mistakes do not determine who we are at this point in time.

The best part was yet to come, however. She had the ladies go into the ocean and literally wash away their mistakes and come out clean. How symbolic! How freeing! I wish that i could do something like that because I think the symbolism really drives the point home, and makes feelings more real. Its one thing to say you forgive yourself and another to actually do it.

I think perhaps, sometime I will write down all of my mistakes, and then burn them, forgiving myself for each mistake as I toss it into the fire. I think the hard part will be actually admitting and owning up to the mistakes.

I think there is no better time than the present =)

expectation vs. intention

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 22:19:53 GMT

ok, im dying to ask this. do yall think im crazy with these almost daily "realizations" or do you think im on the right track? I keep waffling back and forth from saying "YAY! I get it even if I dont know how to fix it" to "what the heck am i doing getting in over my head with all this psycho babble crap, who needs that its just something to soothe people".

todays realization is that my expectations set me up to experience the feelings of being "wronged" this triggering my self loathing and fear. i dont really know how to change myself from expecting the things i do, but this comforts me, if i could only put it into practice.

another exceprt from "Fearless living..." by Rhonda Britten

Once you've identified your expectations, there is a much greater possibility of obtaining freedom. I'm going to teach you how to do that by reframing your expectations as something I call "intentions". Expectations are what you think ought to happen as a result of what you do, say, or plan. For example, "I expect to get a raise and a promotion if I buckle down, work really hard, and bring in new business for the company." On the other hand, intentions are your approach to life based on your essential nature and your wholeness. For example, "I intend to acknowledge my talent for creating persuasive sales presentations and to enjoy the day-to-day process of putting that into practice on the job." What's so wonderful is that when you act out of intention instead of expectation, you are more likely to experience positive outcomes such as a raise and a promotion. Working doggedly with grim determination soley because you want a certain result isnt nearly as productive and powerful as working because you take pride and pleasure in what you do.

(See, who was i kidding lol?)

Similarly, when you approach your relationships with intention instead of expectation, you expand the possibility for mutual delight and support. Expectation made Wayne - the client who came to me thinking he wanted a divorce from Lynn - say "I expect Lynn to play the role of wife exactly the way my mother did." Intention allowed him to say "I intend to make a priority of focusing on my sense of purpose in life. I also intend to allow the confidence that comes from that focus to guide me while Lynn and I discover ways to redefine the roles of husband and wife to suit ourselves and our partnership."

Intention is living purposefully. On purpose, with purpose. Proactively, responsibly, and intuitively. When we intend, we erase "should" from our vocabulary. There is a commitment to the process versus the results. Rather than the little details of life dictating your every decision, choices are aligned with your essential nature. When intention is our mode of operation, we give up the idea that our past dictates our future. Intention is living in the present, actively choosing the future while being aware that in each moment your state of mind is up to you. Your mood no longer becomes dependant on how other people treat you or their opinion of you. Judgement of a situation or how another person "should" be, and, in fact, how you "should" be, ceases to exist. You learn how to accept whats going on and how to handle it. In the same way that your "Wheel of Fear" uses expectation as its grease to keep you spinning out of control, your "Wheel of Freedom" uses intention to keep you focused on your commitments. Intention is the pathway to shift your focus from fear to freedom."

Makes sense?

pics

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 04:30:46 GMT

thot id post some pics

this is brittany and mark

this is alyssa

this is brittany and our dog Rocky

this is that $^%@^ Heather and my grandson Ian

crappy pic, but she wont sit still! this is my kitty Jesse

ive been a bad girl

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 18:25:59 GMT

and now im PISSED - way more than I should be - because i just wrote this huge long journal entry and my computer froze just as i went to hit submit. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! i dont know if i want to try to write it all again *sigh*

ok, here goes

im bad because ive been eating too much since i got back from vacation. it seems like im always starving. ive been eating 2, sometimes 3 meals a day, and worse than that, ive had late nite munchies BIG TIME. my latest thing is chips and salsa, which could be worse, but i can put away half a bag of chips per day. And chocolate, ive been craving chocolate. i always keep chocolate chip granola bars for my sweet tooth, cuz they are cheap and still sorta healthy and low in fat/calories. but yesterday i went and bought donuts instead, and i wound up eating THREE over the course of the day. In addition to the pork tenderloin, fries, chips/salsa and slice of strawberry/rhubarb pie with whipped cream =/

i know, i know, i should eat healthier. my old excuse is i cant afford it, but i know thats not true. for what i spend on a fast food meal i could buy fruits/veggies or chicken and rice. but what fun is that? =P I want to get back on the slim-fast, but i keep conveniently forgetting it at the store. so thats my goal for this week. stock up on slim fast and rice and get my eating back under control. my poor face broke out in a galaxy map of zits as soon as i got back. part of that is hormones, part of it is my eating, and part of it is its been soooo hot and humid here and i have oily skin.

the other reason why ive been bad is because i cant seem to get myself back into "work mode". im usually pretty excited about going to work (except applebee's, i dread going in there, but im usually fine once i get there) but i just havent been able to really get into it since i got back. i cant really put my finger on why that is, except that im just tired of working so hard, and so much, for so little. and it doesnt help that this time, i have no choice, i cant just quit and get another job, so i have to deal with that inner rebellion thing. It's not FAAAAIR! *whine* lol

so ive been thinking about work a lot. ive always taken a great deal of pride in my work, no matter what the job, and i realize now why that is. because its the one place my parents have no control over my life. nobody at work gives a damn about my family, just me, and my performance. its my time to shine, and i crave recognition.

looking back over my career history, ive only been fired from one job, the bill collector job. The only other job that i didnt quit was office manager of the roofing company, which i consider my last "real" job, and they went out of business. i wonder how long i would have stayed if that hadnt happened. i really can say i loved that job, and i think a lot of the reason is because i was mostly by myself, and trusted to get the job done, which i did and did well, and my boss heaped praise on me, even when i felt like i didnt deserve it sometimes.

another job i didnt quit was the gum factory but that was a temp job. and i think the reason why i was so devastated that i didnt get hired is because it was affirmation that im not as good as i thought i was, someone else agreeing with my parents that im not good enough. it was a real blow to my self esteem and i took it very, very hard. i know now, that it was probably for the best, word is they are closing that plant this year or next so i would be looking for another job anyway. and if i really want to be honest with myself, i handled a couple of relationships there badly and thats what really probably cost me the job.

so why am i a quitter? Oh sure, I've got all kinds of "legitimate" excuses for quitting every job. but what it all boils down to in the end was, someone hurt me, i had problems getting along with someone, and/or i didnt feel appreciated. this all comes back to how i punish myself and others. i punished myself by giving up and quitting a good job, and i punished others by leaving (hope you miss me when im gone!). ive been able to do this up until about 5 years ago, because i could always go out and get another job within a week. ive always been good at getting jobs, thats why this past couple years has been so hard for me, I CANT just go out and get another job anymore. so i really need to make some changes in my attitude about this, im just not sure exactly where to start.

i was in a foul, foul mood yesterday. i had the day off, and its the first saturday that i can remember having off, other than when i went to the wedding and vegas. i was bored to tears and my brain was in overdrive. i did do a lot of cleaning just to pass the time, but i was very angry, and trying to figure out where all this anger was coming from.

i had made plans with rob from damons. i think i forgot to tell you that he tracked me down at outback right before i went to vegas and we agreed to hook up when i got back. so, we were supposed to get together when he got off work around 4. sometime after 7 he finally called to cancel. this is one of my biggest pet peeves. DONT tell me you are going to do something if youre not. Make me get ready and wait and wait and wait, only for you to no call/no show, or cancel. its happened soooo many times, its practically a deal breaker for me. So, he asked me out for monday nite instead. We'll see, i still havent decided. the old me wants to blow him off to punish him for yesterday. the new me realizes its not his fault he had to work late, and i dont think he hurt me intentionally.

so thats part of it. i was just feeling neglected i guess. rob neglecting to call when he said he would, none of my online friends were around, i called a few friends and they all had other plans, etc. i still dont know why i felt such rage yesterday (and still a little bit today). Part of it i think is because things seem to have come to a standstill. all the drama from last week is pretty much over and life is pretty much back to normal. as far as my family is concerned i think they think ive dropped the whole moving thing, but i havent, just no point in doing much until i hear from social security. but the real reason im guessing is because ive made myself vulnerable.

its ironic. always in the past ive described myself as cold and unfeeling. but im realizing that im much more sensitive than id like to admit. the coldness was just a wall i built around myself to keep from getting hurt. but it doesnt work at all. i feel like ive really tried, these past couple weeks, to completely and honestly open myself up to pretty much everyone. So now it feels like im just a big old gaping, raw wound thats just waiting for someone to come along and poke a stick in it and twist it around a bit. the old me's instincts are to shut down and isolate myself and drown my sorrows (and i dont mean by drinking) at the first sign of being "wronged". the new me is struggling to deal with these thoughts and emotions and realize that not everything is about me. shit happens, and i have to learn to deal with it on my own. i just sometimes feel like im hanging on by a thread and i need someone to reach out and save me, reassure me. when am i going to learn to stand on my own two feet and give love and be able to receive love without all this perceived hurt and punishment?

its hard, its damn hard. but if i can do it, i think it will be worth it in the long run.

back and forth

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 21:33:36 GMT

up and down, thats my emotions lately. One minute I'm so psyched and happy and the next I feel utterly defeated. Perhaps its too much to deal with, I'm not sure. Maybe it just seems like too much because this is the first time, in a long time, the first time -ever- if I'm really being honest with myself, that I've taken such a hard, critical look at my life.

Putting things down on paper seemed to help a lot, to make things clearer so I know what I need to focus on. It still seems overwhelming tho, and I wish I didnt doubt myself so damn much. It seems so easy to just give up and give in and do nothing, and just keep on waltzing thru life without a care in the world, so to speak. But I know thats not what I really want, I know I'm not happy, and I know I want a lot more out of life, for myself and for my kids.

Some things I feel.

Selfish. This is a big one and a hard one. I keep getting these feelings of being selfish, that my needs and wants arent as important as anyone elses. It's so hard because for so long, I've had to consider everyone elses needs first and my own needs were pushed aside, its no biggie, I can do without. But then what happens is, I get resentful, if I let myself think about it, so I try not to think about it, but there is a BIG ball of resentment way down deep inside and its not nice. And then I think I do go overboard at times when I do allow myself to "splurge" and spoil myself to overcompensate.

This is how i feel right now. I want.. all this, the changes, the move, etc. and I want it RIGHT NOW! Part of it is that I do feel pressured, that there is a time issue, because of a lot of things. One, if I get the money and dont use it for moving and school, I'm afraid I will waste it and I will never have another opportunity. Another reason is, I will only be getting this extra money for 3 years, so I'd better put it to good use and get an education.

But then again, it seems sooo many people are against me, thats where the feelings of selfishness come in. How DARE I even consider doing something so upsetting to so many people, even if its a good thing for me? At times I just want to stand up and say "I'm doing this because I think it would be a good thing for me, and for my kids, and I dont care what anyone else thinks. Go ahead and be mad at me, youll either get over it or you wont". And at other times I just want to curl into a ball and say "you win, youre right, youre always right, I suck, please forgive me for being so selfish and heartless and cruel".

Gonna sidetrack a little bit here. I've been watching a show called "Starting Over", you may have seen it, its on about 4 different channels at different times here during the day. I'm hooked on it, and I realize this is probably what started it all. You can check it out here if youre interested. http://www.startingovertv.com

It's 6 women, who come from all different walks of life, and they all have their own issues they are trying to work thru, so they come live in this house, and they meet daily with "life coaches" to make plans and progress towards whatever it is they are trying to achieve.

Anyways, one of the shows I saw recently really hit home hard for me. It was all about shame and punishment. Shame is another powerful emotion that I feel a lot. I'm very much so NOT proud of so many things I've done in my life. My bad choices have made me what I am, and I feel a lot of guilt and shame about it. Well one of the things they brought up was how do you punish yourself, and how do you punish others, because of the shame that you feel? Thats not exactly happy, fluffy bunny thoughts, its hard to really think about, and really admit those things.

I feel ashamed, and therefore I feel worthless, not good enough, etc. I know that this is where a lot of my self confidence issues come from, because I've tried and failed so many times. To be completely honest with myself tho, did I REALLY try my best? I'd have to say no, because I gave up on myself too easily, which only reinforced the feelings of shame and failure. It didnt help that I've had nothing but negative reinforcement since about the age of 12.

How do I think I punish myself because of my shame? I think I punish myself by continually telling myself "I'm not worth it, I dont deserve it, I'm not good enough, pretty enough, young enough, rich enough" etc.

How do I think I punish others because of my shame? Well, by the same token, and my feelings of unworthiness, I think that I block a lot of people out of my life. I tend to live in a little cave, all by my lonesome, never letting anyone in, because I'm afraid they will see the real me and be horrified and not like me anymore. So, its really not fair to other people when I shut them out, especially when they do care for me. And I especially tend to do this when I'm depressed or unhappy, when I could really use emotional support. It's not fair to them that i cant be really honest with them. I also think i punish other people by, well i guess it comes down to shutting them out again. If they hurt me, whether the hurt was real or intentioned or they didnt even know it. I will punish them by shutting them completely out. I will get in my little digs here and there, but I dont >think< I'm ever overtly MEAN. And apologizing when I'm wrong is hard, I suppose because its another admission to myself that I fucked up yet again.

It almost seems like I have this tally board in my head and every time I screw up there goes another mark. But I never pat myself on the back. I cant really think of a time when I deserved a pat on the back, not for anything significant anyway. So, its like there is this whole wall of shame and marks against me that I cant seem to get over. I realize that somehow, some way, I have to let it all go. Its in the past, its done, and it doesnt necessarily make me a bad person. Thats a hard thing to believe tho, and I hope someday I can say it and really mean it.

back from vegas

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 20:50:07 GMT

and what a blast it was! OMG I couldnt have hoped for a better vacation! Didnt do a damn thing EQ related tho hehe.

OK, I told you I had a benefactor who was paying for my trip. Wellll, its a little more than that =) I've known him for oh, about 4 years or so online, and I met him in person last year at the Fan Faire and we hit it off even tho we were with other people at the time. So this year, he invited me to go as his guest, and Im sooo glad I accepted. We didnt even see any other EQ people the whole time, it was just a very, very, very nice, relaxing vacation for the two of us. It was sooo nice to be treated like a lady, and just plain treated for once. It's been so long since Ive had that.

Dont get me wrong, my head is not in the clouds, I have no illusions. We are both aware of what our "relationship" is, and what its limits are, and that actually works out perfect for me at this point in my life.

And it gets better! I came home with way more money than I left with (I actually got lucky on the slots for once - I blame it all on him *grin*), so I was able to take care of a few things when I got back, and I didnt have to worry about making up the lost money from missing work. And even better, when I got home there was a check from the State of Illinois for $281, which I guess is a refund for overpayment. I think I posted before that they were taking my federal refund because they said I owed them like $2k in back taxes, late fees and interest so I guess thats whats left over. Now my student loan and back taxes are finally all paid off so thats 2 big things wiped off the slate and next year I should get a healthy refund!

So today, I took his advice and took $100 of that money and opened a savings account. I set it up to transfer $10 every other week into it from my checking account. I know it doesnt sound like much, but like he said, I wont miss it, and I need to get in the habit of doing it so I dont find myself in these kinds of situations.

Another thing I finally took care of today was I went and applied for social security survivor benefits for myself and my daughter from my ex who passed away last year. I've had plenty of piss poor excuses for not doing it sooner, and tho he didnt know anything about it, he motivated me to do it because it needed to be done and I'm entitled to it and Lord knows I can sure use the extra money. He just made me believe in myself, that I do have the ability to make my life better, I'm just disorganized and lazy. I've never had anyone sit down and tell me "this is what you need to do" and its exactly what I needed. And for that, and for every kindness he has shown me, I am eternally grateful. Thank you =)

Even better news! If/when we are approved for social security benefits (6-8 weeks), we will get retroactive benefits for 6-9 months. I think its 9 months for her and 6 months for me. Depending on the benefit amount that could be a huge check. So, I may be able to get out of this place sooner rather than later. The only question is where do I want to go? I had always thought Arizona, California, or Nevada, mostly because I love the desert. But he made a great case for Florida (thats where he lives) but not just because hes there. I also have family in Florida and another dear friend in Tampa. Working for Outback, I can transfer to any other location as long as they have an opening, so I would have a job when I got there, and getting social security benefits would take a lot of earning pressure off of me until I can find a "real" job. I looked up apartment prices and cost of living, and its cheaper to live there than here, so its looking very attractive. I just have a lot of soul searching and thinking to do to decide where I want to go from here, physically, geographically, and career-wise.

I'm just amazed when I think about how much brighter my outlook on life is today than it was one week ago. I'm pumped, and still on an emotional high, and I want to keep that momentum going forward. I believe its possible if I'm committed to it, and its high time I grew up and started taking care of things the way they should be taken care of. He may or may not know it, but he became my rock this weekend, and I dont want to put any undue pressure on him, its not like hes taking over responsibility for my life, hes not helping me out, hes teaching me how to fish. And I can never thank him enough.

having trouble sleeping

Mon, 30 May 2005 06:12:01 GMT

but its not insomnia. I can fall asleep just fine, I just cant stay asleep. Ever since Friday I've been waking up after 3 or so hours then I cant go back to sleep, I'll lie there just tossing and turning. It's anxiety, I know it is. Whenever I hear a noise outside I wake with a start, thinking its the cops again. Heck, every time someone knocks on the door or the dog barks now my stomach clenches in fear "what now?". And its pissing me off, because the weekends are the only time I can sleep in and I'm going to be starting next week short on sleep and I have to work 4 doubles in a row and go to a wedding on Saturday.

I have a theory. The guy that lives next door to me is an old man, I'd estimate late 60's-mid 70's. Retired and/or disabled, he never seems to leave the house other than to walk across the street to sit out front drinking beer with the neighbor. The only thing I know about him is that he drinks 24/7 so I dont associate with him at all. When I first moved in he had an old truck that didnt run in his driveway. They used the bed of the truck as a can depository, it was overflowing with Pabst Blue Ribbon cans. Yes folks, I live in the middle of white trash America =P Whenever the wind would blow it would blow the cans into my yard and pissed me off. One time I watched in awe at what apparently was cleaning day, as they carried bag after bag of empty beer cans out of the house and completely filled a cargo van, TWICE! and hauled them away. He had a wife when I moved here who seemed relatively normal, but she moved out the first year. Then he had this psycho toothless girlfriend who always rides a bicyle and wears a red bandana and a leather jacket, year round. She drove me nuts the 2nd year I was here always coming over wanting to do odd jobs for beer money. asking if I knew where he was, banging on his door and yelling at all hours of the day/night, etc. She actually asked if she could crash here once! I said no heh, so she kept banging on his door forever and I think she finally fell asleep sitting on his step. Actually, she still comes around but not nearly as often and she hasnt bothered me in ages.

Theres always been a lot of cars/people coming and going from next door. Another annoying thing about them is they always felt the need to honk when they pulled up, with no concern for what time of the day or night it might be. Anyways, getting to the point, since early Springish IIRC, his grandson (I think around 18-19) has been coming over a lot, like almost every day, maybe hes living there for all I know. Hes usually with at least one other boy. There has been at least two incidents that I know of, where the grandson was involved, that cops were called due to fighting over there. This is the house where the cops were called Thursday night when the incident with my kids happened.

I think its a good possibility that this grandson and/or his friends were the ones involved in at least one of the break-ins across the street, and that the complaints about kids in my yard may be coming from them also. Our houses are extremely close, and sometimes when they come over, they actually park in MY yard, in front of a tree that spans both of our yards. And the front yard itself is pretty tiny actually, I'd guesstimate 20'x20' with the driveway taking up almost half of it. My daughter doesnt associate with the grandson, but Heather does and was also involved in one of the fighting incidents over there, and its entirely possible he and/or his friends have been in my yard. It almost makes me wonder if the first cop was actually trying to help me and I didnt know what he was talking about and became defensive. Which explains his comment of "Its tresspassing if they dont have your permission" when I asked if that was a crime. Hmm.

OTOH, I still feel the old bag and her clan have it in for me for what I truly believe is multiple cases of mistaken identity and an unfortunate event. Altho my front yard is small, her house is actually 3 houses down across the street, and set back from the road a bit, so I can easily see them being annoyed by "those kids over there" in our general direction, since our yards are almost one and the same, with there being kids at his house, and kids at our house, I can see how they could be confused and eager to point the finger of blame. Unfortunately, in my case, I doubt they would be willing to see the error of their ways because they are friends with the old man who lives next door.

That doesnt explain the incident Thursday night, but I just think this particular cop is a prick to put it bluntly. He was at my house last year when I was dating this guy, who had his 3 kids over for the weekend, and there was an altercation in the street and one of his daughters punched the old bags grand-daughter. This is the unfortunate event that started her hatred of us I think. So, she called the cops, and he showed up. When I answered the door I had no idea what he was talking about because as far as I knew all the kids had been in the bedroom. He questioned all the kids anyways and they all denied any knowledge of it. So he finally left. After he left, the guilty daughter confessed to her father, so he took her outside to confess to the cop, since he was still out there talking to the old bag. He arrested her, but then just to be a dick (IMHO) he also arrested my daughter for obstruction of justice for lying to him about her knowledge of the event.

Anyhow, thats my theory. Nothing to be done about it tho I suppose but to try not to sink to their level. Next year, I'll be getting a tax return, and I'm MOVING!

I'm being harrassed...

Fri, 27 May 2005 04:26:30 GMT

...by the police!

The cops have been to my house THREE TIMES this week for NO VALID REASON WHATSOEVER.

Monday: 8:00 AM
Pounding on the door, I groggily get up and look out and see a boy in blue. "What now?" I think to myself. So, I answer the door. Cop says to me "Ya, we've received "numerous" complaints (after further discussion found out it was just one) about kids congregating in your yard."

"Umm, ok, and what did they do wrong?" I asked. Cop gives me a blank look. I repeat the question. He said "Well, they said they thought they might have been smoking pot". I say "Ok, do they have any proof?" Cop says "Well, no but there are kids congregating in your yard". I ask "and thats illegal?" he replies "well its trespassing if they dont have your permission". I said "Actually they do have my permission to be here when they are here, so what exactly is the problem?" (Keep in mind it is 8 am, there are no kids in my yard, my daughter is sound asleep, and there had been no kids in my yard the day before either as my daughter was out of town visiting a friend). He didnt have any answer except to keep repeating the charge that "kids are congregating in my yard and upsetting the neighbors". He insisted that I wake up my daughter to question her and repeats the allegations. He asks for names of kids that frequently come to visit, and starts taking down all this information. Then he started badgering her saying "so what are you kids doing over here anyway, smoking pot? She denies it and he gets all cocky like "Ya sure" and I really dont remember what all else he said short of outright calling her a liar but he was leaning on her hard. At this point I'm starting to get more than a little pissed off and confrontational with the cop. I said "If there was a problem when there were kids in my yard, WHY didnt the complainers call the cops THEN? Why are you coming here to harass me at 8:00 in the morning on my day off when there are NO KIDS EVEN HERE!?" He didnt have an answer to that, he just said that they just received the call that morning. He finally left.

Now, I admit there are kids here a lot. My daughters boyfriend is here almost every day, and she does have a lot of friends in the neighborhood that stop by off and on. Also, the REASON they are in my YARD in the first place is because my daughter is obeying my instructions not to let anyone in the house when I'm at work. The most that is usually here at any given time tho, is 2 or 3. There was an incident last week when there were probly 6 or more kids in my yard because I offered them money to mow my lawn, and there was a problem with my mower, so one of them went to borrow someone elses mower, then more came over, the first guy got tired of mowing and then another one took over and did the back. There was also a couple of them working on my lawnmower trying to fix it and there were also some kids working on a bike in the yard. And, I was home at the time all this was going on.

Ok, moving right along, this morning I am rudely awakened once again to pounding on the door at 7:15 AM. Once again, boy in blue. This time, the officer said that a neighbor across the street had one of their windows broken about 3AM and he wanted to know if my daughter knew anything about it. I told him that I got home from work about midnite the nite before and Brittany was home at the time, there was noone else here other than my children. I told him that Brittany and I had sat up watching TV in the living room until after 2 am at which time she went to bed and I stayed up until almost 4. I told him that I did not see or hear anything myself and my daughter had nothing to do with it. Then he said there were witnesses to the property damage/attempted break-in and that the witnesses said it was 2 or 3 boys and that they had seen these same boys the day before in my yard. I asked the cop "If there were witnesses to this, WHY THE FUCK (OK, I didnt say fuck) didnt they call the cops THEN and report a break-in in progress????" He didnt have an answer for that. I also wondered (but did not ask) how on earth these old people could make a positive ID in the middle of the night, looking out a window. I call BS. Once, again, he insisted that I wake Brittany up to question her, and talked to her in a very condescending, rude tone the whole time. Once again, he took down both our names, birthdates, etc. I'm starting to fume now.

A little backstory. You may remember when I wrote that the neighbors across the street had their garage broken into. These are the same people who either had their window broken last nite, or they were the witnesses. I'm not completely sure about that. You may also remember that there was an incident shortly afterward where these same neighbors started a verbal confrontation with my daughter and threw rocks at her (thinking she was involved in the break-in) and the cops were called that time also. These are the same neighbors who woke me up one day last week and she started screaming and swearing at me about Heather. Heather is the troublemaker from hell that I have written about many times, who actually WAS involved in the previous break-in. I asked her "Why the fuck are you bitching to me about Heather? Shes not my daughter nor my responsibility!" Her response was because Heather was always around here. I told her that Heather didnt have my permission to be here. She kept ranting and raving and swearing saying "That kid needs help!" I said I agreed. She said "I'm gonna see to it she gets locked up, I'm gonna call the law" And I just kept nodding and saying "Uh huh, you do that, now get out of here". These are the same neighbors that brought the police here Monday morning, so for whatever reason these people seem to have a massive hard on for us.

Tonite just takes the cake tho, and this time psycho neighbors werent even involved. Tonite, the cops were called to the house next door for a domestic violence incident. So, they are over there, 2 cop cars and a van, and they are arresting this woman next door, and the kids are in the front yard checking out the situation like everyone else on the block. Then this one cop starts lookin over here and decides to come over and harass the kids. It was my daughter, her boyfriend, and another couple, a boy and a girl. He remembered Brittany and asked if I was home, she said no. She gave him my cell # and he called, but I was at work, and it showed up as Private, so I didnt answer it. He asked for my work number and she refused to give it to him saying she didnt want to get me in trouble for getting calls at work. (I have given her instructions not to give anyone my work number because I had a bill collector that was calling me 10x a day at work and I got in trouble over it.) So then he decides to be a dick and said he would just call DCFS then. So she gave him my work #. As soon as I was told I had a call at work, I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sure enough, its the cops. So he asks me if I knew these kids were at my house and I said yes. He again verified that they had my permission to be there, and I again said yes, and asked what the problem was. He said he was just over next door and decided to come over and question the kids. When I pressed him for why, he got cocky with me and told me my daughter was associating with juvenile delinquents and that DCFS might be interested in that. When I asked him what he meant by that he told me one of the boys at the house had previously been arrested. Ok, I know that, and I know what it was for, and this kid has been nothing but good to me, I have no reason not to trust him. If one arrest makes a person a juvenile delinquent than I guess we all are/were. He said "Dont you think that could be construed as bad parenting?". THAT pissed me off. Thru gritted teeth I said "to you it might. Why are you harassing my family for no good reason?" He replied "This is not harassment maam, if you want harassment I'd be happy to call DCFS right now and take your kids into custody." God, I wish I had a tape recorder! So I got all nice-nice again and kissed his ass. He finally left but took all the kids names down again.

So. I need to know if you HAVE to open the door to a police officer? My daughter also told me that the cops had been sitting down the street watching them and our house. That annoys me, but I can see that they have a right to do that. I'm going to call my lawyer tomorrow and talk to him about it. I hate being harassed for no good reason when other people (Heather) get away with murder. I wonder if it would be possible to sue the police for harassment? But really I suppose its the neighbors too. I dunno what to do but I can't handle this stress.

Well its official

Tue, 10 May 2005 22:11:18 GMT

I'm definately sick this time. This is what, the 4th or 5th time since Christmas? I've lost count. Well, I was up all nite last nite coughing, this morning I went to work and I couldnt hardly breathe, so they sent me home, or to the doctor rather (Thank God I got a medical card last year). I was in a lot of distress when I got there so thankfully they got me in right away, listened to my lungs, and gave me a breathing treatment ASAP. What a miracle that thing is!!! I'd never had one before, but I was finally able to breathe, but still wheezing when he came back and listened to me again. I got sent home with 4 different prescriptions and a doctors excuse to miss work tonite *sigh* It's regrettable but I do feel bad when I work when I'm sick because I'm sure a hacking waitress is very unappetizing.

Diagnosis: bronchitis with bronchial spasms

So he gave me prednisone, an antibiotic that starts with a Z that I cant pronounce, an albuteral inhaler, and some codeine cough syrup. I'm a little nervous because he wants me to take 6 doses of the prednisone today before bedtime, and a double dose of the antiobiotics. Thats a lot of medication imho, and I'm not used to taking anything other than massive doses of ibuprofen and I've never taken these meds before. I only took 2 ibuprofen on top of all the other meds, because my chest, head, and back is killing me from all the coughing I've done the past 24 hours.

Well at least i'll finally be able to catch American Idol if im not passed out by then.

In other news, sorry I've been slacking on posting but I've been BUSY. This year is just flying by. Outback is fantastic, I've been working there 5 nights a week and lunches at Applebee's 3-4 days a week. One of my friends is getting married in June so we've also been doing wedding stuff. Mothers Day was nice, I got flowers and candy from my kids which was so sweet. I had to work tho and it was a madhouse. Glad its over. This is how nice Outback is, they gave all the mothers who had to work beautiful corsages, and they provided like six 6 foot subs from Subway for us to eat since there wasnt time for a real meal.

Dont know if I ever posted this but Brittany did get expelled from school. I'm investigating options as time permits, but I was dismayed to learn that 2 of the private high schools (Catholic and Lutheran) will not take kids who've been expelled from the public schools. (These were the only 2 I had heard of that had grants for low income people).

Thats about it for news, so I guess thats good. Oh, one other thing. I'm going to the Vegas FF!! No, I cant afford it lol, but I have a benefactor, one of my former guildies I've stayed in touch with, so I'm looking forward to it. I figure the break will be good for me, sometimes I think I work too hard. I'm such a charity case *sigh* But the good news is, I'm all caught up on my bills, so, as long as summer isnt a disaster financially (restaurant sales are notoriously slow during the summer), I'm back on track and hopefully can stay on track. I'm kinda getting tired of the waitressing thing, physically that is, but I know its good for me and I do enjoy it. I think I may start sending out resumes again and see if anything bites. Realistically, I know i'm not getting any younger and I cant do this forever.

tax time

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 05:30:41 GMT

Yes, I'm a procrastinator, but I havent been excited about doing my taxes in a long time. Yes, I've been a bad girl.

The student loan people have been taking my tax refund every year for a looong time. This year, they are finally going to be paid off. But next in line is the state of Illinois, which claims I owe them $89 from back in like, 1996. Ok, whatever, I dont have stuff going back that far, but I got a notice last year, which I cant find now grrrr, I wish I could remember how much they were telling me to pay, I want to say it was over 2 grand in late fees and interest for an $89 bill.

Anyhow, I suspect they will snatch up whatever they can too. I wonder if I will actually get any money back this year. My federal refund is a whopping FIVE GRAND HOLY CRAP what I could do with that kind of money if I wasnt such a screw-up! My state refund is another $300. Heh, I bet its too late to ask for any kind of amnesty =P So ya, I wonder if I will have anything left over, even a grand, heck even a hundred or two would be a major bonus. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but dayum it about made my eyes pop out of my head to see that # on the screen. I guess thats what happens when I earned less than $13k last year, at least on paper, I did work for a time under the table.

I wonder what kind of money I will make this year, on paper. I should start getting my refunds again next year, so thats really something to look forward to, maybe I can finally get out of this dump then.

Cops were over here again tonite while I was at work. The stupid white trash across the street who had their house broken into last nite (actually the garage) are under the mistaken impression that it was my daughter who was involved, because this is where the cops came. So, tonite again while I'm at work, the "man" of the house who was supposedly drunk and riding a bicycle, sees my daughter and her boyfriend outside and started screaming and swearing at her, telling her he was going to go get his 12 gauge shotgun and blow her head off! She was scared and arguing with him that she had nothing to do with it and he just kept on harassing her and threatening her, then.. his wife and his wifes mother come outside with baseball bats! They join in the taunting and threatening and harassing, and the old lady started picking up rocks to throw at the kids OMG can you believe this kind of behaviour from adults? And I cant even convey the nastiness of all that was said. So the old lady says she is going to call the cops and the kids say please do, so the cops come and completely ignore my daughters story that she was being threatened by all these people and basically just tell her to go in the house and stay inside for the night because the sight of her is upsetting them. ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I wasnt even called while all this was going on. I am really starting to hate the cops. When I got home she was in her room and had been crying and was still very upset and shaken up. I am tempted to call the police and file a complaint myself but it wouldnt do any good. The cops just dont feel like doing anything constructive around here. They just want to ignore all the serious stuff and harass law abiding people for bullshit.

Nothing major

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 19:36:44 GMT

I've been slacking again. But, I've been working. A lot.

Outback is going really good, but wow, its really a learning experience. I have done pretty good on the "slow" days, but the last 2 weekends I kinda lost it.

Friday, I just didnt have my game on. I fucked up my first table and kept on fucking up. You see, at Outback, they dont use computers. Order tickets are hand written, and you have to use the proper abbreviations, special instructions must be high-lighted, each one has to have a different color. I kept forgetting to either a) write down the special instructions or b) hi-light them. If its not written in the right spot, and if its not hi-lited, it doesnt get done.

By the way, its absolutely crucial that we take orders in the correct order at Outback. At Applebee's its no big deal, because I can put it into the computer in the correct order, but I cant do that with the paper tickets at Outback. So keep that in mind please, when I ask you what you'd like dont start to tell me what your kids want halfway around the table, I'm not going to write it down. Especially when everyone has special instructions. Hmm, I just had an epiphany. Maybe I should just take the orders on regular paper then transfer them to a ticket when I'm done, that would probably save me a lot of stress, but create a lot more work. anyways...

So I had a lot of re-cooks and comps Friday nite. I felt like a major idiot. On top of that, I had a "party" table in my section, its a big round table that can seat 8. It's right next to another large table, and they are frequently pushed together to accomodate larger parties. This happened 3 times Friday nite. At Outback when this happens, you have to share the party with the server who has the other table. This is just a nightmare of so many proportions. Both of you are taking orders, but only one person can ring them up. Then there is the nightmare of trying to separate the checks at the end. Also, for parties of 8 or more, a 15% gratuity is automatically added to the bill.

I personally think we get screwed on auto gratuity. Very, very few people will tip above the automatic gratuity. Large parties are a LOT of work, and by the time we pay the tip out and split the gratuity, we each get in the neighborhood of $10 for all that work and time. Every other place I've worked that included auto gratuity it was 18% to cover the tip out.

So Friday nite I had to share 3 of those large parties and just as I was about to get cut I was asked to take a party of 9. So, even tho I wasnt a closer, I didnt get out of there till almost midnite. I was supposed to meet several people from Applebee's after work and I was seriously stressing out trying to figure out my cash-out, which also has to be done by hand. The reason why I was losing it is because of all those large parties, split checks, and shared tables and all those comps. I had 2 people helping me trying to figure it out and we were all coming up with different numbers. I finally basically dumped it all in the head waits lap and let her deal with it.

So by the time I got out of Outback, as I said it was almost midnite. Omar had called me at 11 and left me a VM saying to call him on Orlando's phone. But when I finally finished with work I couldnt get ahold of ANYONE so I didnt know if I should bother changing clothes and heading to the bar or not. I opted to just stop by in my work clothes. The only one that was there was Ryan.

Now I need to back up a bit. I briefly mentioned Ryan in an earlier post, he works at Applebee's and I've had a crush on him since forever. Last Saturday I worked at Applebee's and we went out afterwards, with a couple other people from work, then we went to Javiers house. At Javi's house we wound up making out and OMG he is such a good kisser! Monday he acted kind of weird but by Tuesday things were normal between us but neither of us mentioned Saturday night so I wasnt quite sure what was going on there. So Friday nite, after my stressful evening at Outback, I get to the bar and I am happy to see him but he looks pissed off even tho he says nothing is wrong. Whatever. I'm sooooo stupid.

I ordered one drink and he finished his and ordered one more. It was after 1 by this time and his check came. I was feeling generous because of the money I'd made so I picked up the tab, it was only $20 including the tip. Then I excused myself to go to the restroom. When I came back, he wasnt there, so I sat down thinking maybe he was in the bathroom, tho I was a little perturbed that he got up and left my purse and cell phone sitting on the table. So I sat and waited, and waited for 15-20 minutes. I observed several guys go into and come back out of the restroom so I got up and left. Sure enough, his truck was gone from the parking lot. I was so pissed! How rude! Or am I wrong? I just thought that was extremely rude for him to get up and leave while I was in the bathroom without saying anything. Granted, we were getting ready to leave but couldnt he have waited for me? Now I'm all freaked out thinking that he is embarassed because of what happened last weekend and doesnt want to have anything to do with me. Well, I have nothing to say to him now. When will I ever learn?

The rest of the weekend was uneventful, Saturday went smooth as silk as did Sunday, but it was kind of dead. Regardless, I worked every night but Thursday at Outback, and I worked Tues-Fri at Applebee's. I think I made over $500. I was able to pay the rent, the cable bill and the downpayment on the gas bill YAY! So, this is going to be good, if this is what its like when its "slow". For some reason they cut me down to 3 shifts at Applebee's next week but I'm not going to question it. Let me tell you, working those doubles are kicking my ass up one side and down the next. So maybe I can eventually phase Applebee's out when I get all caught up.

outback

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 07:42:12 GMT

I am sooooo loving it at Outback. I am just blown away by everything, the people are so nice, the training is very impressive, the food is fantastic, the crew is a well oiled machine, and the money is good too!

But maybe I'm just easily impressed lol.

I hadnt eaten at Outback in probably 5+ years, and even then I think I only ate there a few times. Wow, talk about amazingly good food! I was kind of taken aback that they didnt "dress up" their dishes more at first, but they don't have to, the food speaks for itself! Last week I got to eat free food every day. I bet I put on 10 pounds =/ Lets see I had, all the soups, a regular salad and the special chopped blue cheese salad with cinnamon pecans, the bloomin onion of course, alice chicken and cyclone chicken which was WONDERFUL and something I would have never ordered on my own. I had prime rib, steak, ribs, shrimp on the barbie and the coconut shrimp which was simply amazing, to die for, it makes me drool every time I see/smell it. I also had the bacon cheeseburger and the honey mustard chicken sandwich (Mad Max and Sweet Chook O'Mine) best damn sandwiches I've ever put in my mouth but MESSY! I've sampled all the dressings (all homemade) and sauces (including the homemade chocolate and caramel sauces) and those yummy cinnamon apples.

I bet I've eaten at least a dozen or more loaves of that wonderfully delicious honey wheat bread too =(

I had to do this wine course online. Very cool! Liquor, especially wine, is my weakest area as a server. I'm not a big drinker, and I've never bartended. I simply dont know much about the stuff. Being given the liquor/wine list and trying to memorize it scares the crap out of me for some reason. So, this wine course was really fun and informative and I feel like I really got something out of it.

But the best part was today, I had to come in early for a "bar class" or somethin like that. Little did I know, that I was going to spend the next 2 hours tasting just about everything behind the bar. Ya, I got pretty buzzed!! Haha nothing like getting paid to drink the best stuff in the house! If I would have known that I would be drinking I would have eaten before I went hehe. I had to work at 5 and I was still a little tipsy but it wore off and I did pretty good tonite except I forgot to charge one table for their kids mac n cheese but i caught it and told the mgr right away. Unfortunately I didnt catch it till after they had paid and left tho.

Oh ya! So there is one gay guy who works there, and after we introduced ourselves he came back and asked me if I used to date his brother. I asked who his brother was because I didnt recognize him. Well, I was actually engaged to his brother at one point! Back then, Mike lived in Arizona, and I only met him a few times, and he wasnt gay then. But he seems WAY cooler than I remember him from before! He seems a lot happier now too, hes a hair stylist and he also serves, hes been doing it since high school, despite his industrial design degree. He just got out of a relationship, so I'm going to try to hook him up with someone from Applebee's =) And dammit, he is HOT! Why do gay guys have to be so damn sexy?

Speaking of hair, I met a lady at Applebee's who had THE exact hair style I wanted. So I got the name of her stylist and made an appointment for today, actually. The price was a little steep, more than I'm accustomed to, $30, but I really wanted that same exact style. As a bonus, the lady owns some tanning parlors and gave me a free 20 minute tan =)

Anyways, I had an appt. today, but.. I was kinda short on money, partly because of last weeks training and partly because business was incredibly slow this weekend with it being Good Friday/Easter. So I cancelled the appt. I still had the itch to cut my hair tho, and Mike was unavailable, so I decided to take a chance on Bo Rics that was right in the same plaza that Outback is in.

*sigh*

Why is it so hard for people to understand what I want? Am I not speaking clearly? Am I using the wrong terms? I HAD relatively long hair, up until about 2 months ago. I wanted a shoulder length cut so I didnt have to wear my hair in a ponytail all the time at work. I want a cut that has SHORT layers on top, graduating to longer layers at the bottom, because my hair has a lot of natural body and slight curls, the look I am trying to accomplish, that I had about 15 years ago, is a full, tousled looking kind of cut. Back when I had this cut before, we called it a "feathered" cut. Basically the Farrah Fawcett cut but my hair isnt straight. I've tried to find a picture but I cant find any that really come close without spending hours poring thru them all.

Well, the first time I cut it, the lady gave me all long layers, and they were uneven because I wear my hair off to the side. This resulted in the top of my head looking relatively flat, and then it kind of poofed out on the sides. with one side being poofier than the other. This was the kind of cut you see now a days where the girls flip the ends out? Well, I couldnt get my hair to do that. first I would have to straighten it, then use the curling iron to flip the ends, and spray and gel, etc etc. So I mostly just wore it back in a barrette.

Now, after today, I do have shorter layers, but they are still not short enough on top. And to make matters worse, she tapered the bottom, so it kinda looks like a diamond, if you can picture it. So now I still have a flat top, poofy sides, and now I dunno what she did to the bottom, but its only about an inch or so longer than my ears =( As soon as I came home I washed it again, then tried the straightener, that looked horrible, so I tried the curling iron, which wasnt much of an improvement. Then I tried to do the mousse/toussle thing and that just looked like bedhead. So its back to barrettes, but this time I'll need 2 because its too short to go back in one now *Sigh*

wow

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 06:52:55 GMT

My nephew died Friday of a heart attack while shopping for his childrens Easter baskets. He was 31 years old :(

http://cf.rrstar.com/obituaries/fullobit.cfm?obitid=36439